Aragorn in Tights
by Archimedes-Factotum
Summary: Everyone's favorite King to be has a misadventure with a certain piece of clothing, and gets to make a fool of himself while we all laugh at him.


Author's Note: This is just something silly I came up with the other day while folding the laundry. I think I'm going to continue it in later chapters, because Aragorn has to get his revenge somehow, right? Enjoy, and leave a nice note (or a nasty one, doesn't really matter ;-))

Aragorn came up from beneath the waters of the Anduin, puffing and blowing. "Man, this water's freezing! How in Middle Earth did Legolas convince me to take a bath?" wondered the human ice block aloud.

As he stumbled over the rocks and fought the current back to the bank, his eyes wandered up to where he'd left his clothes, hanging on a bush. He drew in a sharp breath at what he now saw. Where once had hung his nice, smelly, dirty Ranger clothes, now there was a neat pile of green and gold fabric. He hurried to see what this new devilry was…

"NOOOOOOOO!"

200 leagues away, Sauron heard the desperate yell, and shivered (inwardly, of course).

As Aragorn unfolded his new Lembas-scented garments, an array of emotions welled up inside him, corresponding with the changing colors of his face. First, he turned white and felt like crying; immediately after, he turned a deep shade of purple as he thought of _revenge_. Finally, as he started to contemplate his situation, he turned a bright red in embarrassment of what he would soon have to go through if he couldn't think of any way out of it.

For there, held gingerly in Aragorn's fingertips, was the most disgraceful disgrace possible to a man trying to uphold his honor: a pair of bright green, tightly-woven, exquisitely designed, elfy -

Tights.

Aragorn could think of only one person who would be bold enough to try such a horrible prank:

"Legolas," he said under his breath, in the same tone he used to say, "let's hunt some orc." Yeah.

However, he would have to cross _that _bridge when he came to it: right now, he was still standing butt naked on the banks of the Anduin, freezing cold and uncomfortably contemplating just how embarrassing it would be if another member of the Fellowship suddenly turned up. Or worse, an orc. Or a warg…

Aragorn "humphed" as he slipped into the detestably tight pant legs. He soon ran into more trouble, however: being inexperienced in how to get into tights, he soon found them starting to bind up around his knees, and so, while pulling desperately at the puke-green material, he hopped farther and farther backward until he fell abruptly in a bush. With thorns. Ah, the sound of sweet success rang in Legolas' elven ears as the Ranger yelled various obscenities in 10 different languages.

"I wonder where he picked up German?" thought a nearby owl while cracking one eye open.

Anyway, when Aragorn finally got the darned things on, he found that they now sported several red spots in the area of his…er…hinder region. "Bloody," he started to say, then, "quite literally."

As he walked into camp, the rest of the Fellowship seemed suspiciously ignorant of the fact that Aragorn was 'lookin' elfy'. As he sat down next to Boromir, however, the Man whispered discreetly, "hey, um, new style goin' on?" Aragorn was grateful that _somebody _had at least been decent enough to say _something_. He was beginning to wonder if they would even notice if he was going insane. He sniffled back tears as he started to wonder if they would even notice if went missing. "No," he answered Boromir. "Just bad luck, or unpopularity, or something," he ended lamely.

Frodo nudged the Elessar-character in the ribs, and said encouragingly, "hey, look on the bright side! You don't smell so bad now!"

Gandalf merely looked like he was going to explode from holding in his laughter.

Finally, Legolas glided into camp, looking very suave and all in his new Ranger costume.

He stank, too. Hehe.

So, to make a long story short, Legolas got away with Aragorn's stinky Ranger clothes, but had to keep on wearing them until the Fellowship stopped in Lothlorien.

Aragorn didn't stink anymore, but his rather flabby physique wasn't very flattered in the Tights of Doom. And everywhere he went, he made people want to eat him, because he smelled like Lembas. But that was short-lived, because as soon as they saw the red dots all over his butt, they laughed so hard they forgot what it was to be hungry.

And of course, the poor tights had no say at all, and were very annoyed at getting all dirty.


End file.
